Arts & Entertainment

Jest a Moment: Some Old Puns for the New Year

In the past, I’ve been rather unsuccessful adhering to New Year’s resolutions. But this time will be different because I’ve composed a feasible list of goals for 2023 and, as everyone knows, Liszt was a great composer. So, if you’ll pardon the tired old puns, here’s my list of New Year’s resolutions:

∙ To lose the weight I put on in 2022. But in my defense, I had a lot on my plate last year.

∙ To buy a cheap hairpiece for my bald spot. It will be a small price toupee.

∙ To visit the Grand Canyon. I’ve heard it is just gorges.

∙ To get a new set of golf clubs for my wife, which will be a fair trade.

∙ To clean all the mirrors in the house. Honestly, I could really see myself doing that.

∙ To relearn how to throw a boomerang. Hopefully, it will come back to me.

∙ To stop procrastinating. Eventually.

∙ To search the house for my favorite watch I lost last year. I just hope I can find the time.

∙ To learn how to pick locks. It should open doors for me in 2023.

∙ To sell my parakeet that lost its voice last year. Serious inquiries only – it’s not going cheap.

∙ To stop spreading nasty office gossip in the elevator. That’s being mean on so many levels.

∙ To install a giant picture window in my living room which I know will be a big pane.

∙ To start a condescending Facebook group. I hope some of you will patronize it.

∙ To sell my vacuum cleaner. It’s just collecting dust.

∙ To immediately stop eating deli meats, but it will be hard to quit cold turkey.

∙ To reward myself with a new golf shirt because over the holidays I got a hole in one.

∙ To order a chicken and an egg online to see which comes first.

∙ To refuse to attend funerals before 10 AM. I’m just not an early mourning person.

∙ To get over my fear of hurdles, but it may take a leap of faith.

∙ To visit a nude beach, as soon as I overcome being clothes-minded.

∙ To give away my old broken garden gate. No, there’s no catch.

∙ To dress up as a clown and entertain the neighborhood children for their birthdays. They will appreciate the jester.

∙ To learn sign language. It will be very handy.

∙ To replace all my shoelaces with Velcro straps. Well, why knot?

Nick Thomas teaches at Auburn University at Montgomery, Ala., and has written features, columns, and interviews for many newspapers and magazines. See

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